I promise there won't be too many other history ones...I will get to my up to date thoughts very soon :)
For the next few weeks after recieving my results, I tried to ignore them as much as I could and pretend like it wasn't a big deal. I was busy with writing thank yous from our wedding, dealing with family stuff, work, and planning for our honeymoon.
Another few weeks later, my cousin dies. Like this family hasn’t gone through enough already? Take someone caring, generous, hardworking, and kill him in a car accident. That was the breaking point for me--seeing our family together again for another funeral from someone who died way too young.
I just couldn’t see the light through all darkness. I felt like it would be me next. I felt like there was no way that we could have kids now because I didn’t want to ever leave them. I didn’t want them to see me sick. I didn’t want them to have to watch their mother die. I didn’t want to be the reason they exhibited behavior problems or struggled through adolescence because they didn’t have a mom or had one that was just sick all the time. As much as I tried each day to be positive, I just couldn’t get out from under the cloud. Like Pig Pen walking around with his cloud of dust, I was with my cloud of anger, grief, and constant worry.
I wished I never even had the test. I wished that I never talked about it with my doctor, who immediately started talking about the surgeries which I clearly wasn’t ready for. I didn’t want to lose my breasts now or in the future. Welcome to marriage Mitch, here’s your disfigured wife. I held it in as much as I could. We were set to go on our honeymoon in just a few weeks, I didn’t want Mitch to think that anything was wrong.
Mexico was perfect. It was the perfect escape from all of the things that I had been feeling. I didn’t think about doctors or family or anything else but the two of us. The last day there I remember Mitch snapping at me because of not moving fast enough as we were packing and I just broke down crying. I didn’t want to go back to reality. I think that’s when I knew it was something bigger.
I don’t remember the exact specifics but someone, somewhere, somehow convinced me to go to EAP, the free help our employer offers with counseling services. I talked with a counselor for six sessions. She recommended I talk to my doctor about depression and anxiety. I started on Lexipro shortly after that and I began to see the light. Dr. Chun was so caring during this visit. She told me that I need to look at this in a positive light, that I get the power of knowledge that so many other women never get. It was the start of my healing. I feel bad now leaving her practice after she helped me so much, but leaving that location was one of the best things I could do for my anxiety. I didn't need the meds for long, but it's still so important for people to know that they are there for you when you need them. At this point, it was exactly what I needed to get through this fog.