Happy Father's Day

I am so blessed to have a fantastic husband and an amazing dad to have spent Father's Day with.  I love you both very much.  I am lucky to have you in our lives. 

The Shack: A book recommendation

At this time of the year, I try to put together a list of book recommendations for all of my students to read over the summer months.  I thought I'd offer a recommendation for adults as well here.  Please consider checking out The Shack by William Paul Young. 

It was given to me as a gift and the giver could not have known what a good choice this really was for me.  Originally though, I was quite scared off by it.  I'm quite a baby about scary things--no scary movies, no scary books.  You can tell right from the cover that something creepy or awful happens in that shack (and it does). But after having a hard time making it through the style of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, this book looked like it would be a good read. 

So I did exactly what I tell my students not to do.  I jumped right into the book without thinking at all about what the book would be like.  I didn't read the front or back cover (more than just the title and creepy shack picture).  I didn't read the small text under the title saying, "Where tragedy confronts eternity." I did not have any clue that this book would involve religion, and thus I didn't know any of the controversy surrounding it.  Although I will admit had I known it was controversial, I may have picked it up earlier.  I really dislike when people or organizations tell you not to read something; I can read it and make my own decision.

I could not put this book down during the first 1/3 as the tragedy was unfolding.  It was suspenseful, scary, every parent's worst nightmare, but it was also beautifully written and powerful.  The next 2/3 of the the book describes how this father deals with his relationship with God in the wake of this tragedy. 

I was raised Catholic, attended a Catholic college, and am now a member of one of the most non-traditional Catholic churches in the area (yes, such a thing can exist).  Despite having a good understanding of God and taking one of my two mandatory theology courses in college that centered all around it, I've never understood the role of all the pain and tragedy in our world.  Before surgery even, I struggled with the idea that I'm supposed to be trusting in God, but here I am taking things into my own hands drastically altering my life.  Am I saying that I don't trust in Him?  I'm altering His plan for me?  What does this do for our relationship?  The Shack had a beautiful way of showing God's presence even within such tragedy the characters faced, making my own problems seem incredibly clear.  Despite what critics might say about it, it helped me see God in a different light, understand more of relationships, and helped me clarify a number of things.  If you are open to it, consider reading it.  It won't take long and if you dislike it or disagree with it, then it will just have served to clarify your own beliefs, ideas, and relationship with God from your own understandings. 

Care free

Ah...to be care free again

12 week update

It's been 12 weeks since surgery. This is a big milestone!  At this point, it is safe to say that all the skin survived the surgery and has a sufficient blood supply to remain healthy for a long time.  I've made it through the point where infection was major a concern.  If my body was going to reject the alloderm patch they used, it would have already by now.  I'm showing zero signs of capsular contracture, which would be my body rejecting the implant.  AND my hospital bills have been paid by insurance!  I made the transition back to work just fine.  I'm back to running.  I ran on a relay team for the Cellcom Green Bay Marathon. Thanks to the race being cancelled part way through due to the hot weather, all I have to show for it is a bad sun burn (photo courtesy of Aila).  I'm really back to a new version of normal.

There have been a few side effects that have taken some getting used to.  I knew these things going into it thanks to the women of FORCE sharing so openly about what life would be like after surgery.  But like with pregnancy, reading about labor and actually being in labor is incredibly different.  So...things you may not have known happen after mastectomy:

1. I have no feeling over a large portion of my upper body.  I knew going into it that I'd lose feeling in my chest area, but I was surprised by having no feeling in my underarms, on my sides, and even a small area on my back by my shoulder blades.  It's strange, but if I'm nervous or uncomfortable I will itch that area on my side even though I cannot feel it and do not feel an itch there at all.  There is a small area right in the center of my chest that I can feel.  I discovered it one day while working out because I could feel some drops of sweat! Never been that excited about sweat before.  There's a small chance feeling will come back eventually, but it will likely not be the entire area effected, just small portions of it.
2. I get really cold or really hot easily.  I have 3 pounds of semi-liquid in me that takes the temperature of the air around me.  I haven't had major problems with it yet just a noticeable temperature difference, but I'm concerned about what winter will be like. From the outside the layers go: skin, muscle, implant, chest wall.  The implant gets cold, making the muscle on top of it cold.  The muscle only has a thin layer of skin to keep it warm when usually it would have a layer of fat as well.  I've heard that if if gets really cold the muscle will then start spasming. 
3. Swimming was interesting. There's the temperature issue from above.  It's also a very different sensation having something that floats stuffed inside you. 
4. I occasionally squeak. Picture the sound of an old rocking chair.  Hopefully this is done now and no longer comes back.
5. It is amazing how much better things are looking since those first few weeks!  I see why people sometimes post pictures.  While I will not be posting any, I did take photos along the way for my own personal use (that are securely buried and locked away in hidden files on my computer).  It was something a friend who had been through it already recommended.  I took one weekly in the same place, from the same angle.   On days when I felt like nothing was getting any better, I'd just look through those and I could really see the progress.  It is honestly amazing was plastic surgeons can do with reconstruction.  When I first considered this surgery, I google for pictures of mastectomy/reconstruction examples and ended up in tears thinking of how I did not want to look like that.  I did this same google the other day so that I could see again for a comparison.  I'm so thankful that my doctors were able to everything they could make me look good! 

Why do I want to get back to exercising so soon?

Why do I want to get back to exercising so soon?
This is why.  It's a link to a great article a friend sent me about the importance of exercise during and after breast cancer treatment.  Hopefully the YMCA Livestrong program starting in Green Bay or the YWCA Encore program can help others in the area get back to exercising as well.

Pull ups

Yes, this post is about pull ups and I'm not talking about Adrienne's night time pink princess pull ups.  For the last three weeks, I've been going to Zumba on Tuesday nights.  Tuesday used to be my toughest work out night--the day I had "group personal training" with a really small group :)  Pull ups were my enemy.  I think I have a mental block against them stemming from childhood.  Too many gym classes with failed attempts at the flexed arm hang, too much embarrassment over not being able to the monkey bars on the playground.  I hated every second of training with them and knew I'd be in for a tough night whenever I saw that stupid rack pulled out. With Chrystal's help I was able to learn to do them.  I still didn't enjoy them, but I could tolerate them and feel a small sense of accomplishment after.

So back at Energy the last few weeks, I see the gadgets and goodies Chrystal has out for other training sessions.  Of course, she has the pull up rack out.  It's like it's sitting there taunting me.  For three weeks, I'd walked right by it trying to ignore it.  This week I could no longer.  Something in me was curious to see if I could still do one.  As Chrystal was dancing next to me last night (try to talk to me and break my intense concentration needed to not trip over my own feet), I quickly asked, "Would you help me do one pull up after class?"  She loved that idea and the minute we got over there she changed it to "Ok, give me 5 of them."

No, no, no.  I wanted 1.

Well, I was able to do one, but quickly discovered that I shouldn't have even done that.  It wasn't so much the pulling up that hurt.  Instead it was the hanging down in between.  It was a much bigger stretch than I had yet to feel. 


However, it was good timing as I had a doctor appointment today.  I asked Dr. J's opinion.  He assured me that there was no sign of damage.  Interesting though, he said he didn't really know when I'd be able to do pull ups again.  He hasn't had a lot of people asking to do them before.  I'm taking that as my excuse to never do them again...or at least for the next 6 months until my curiosity gets me again. 

Funny

I've been pretty busy since heading back to work this week.  It went well.  I decided to go back full days instead of trying out half days first.  At about 1:00 each day, I felt overwhelmingly tired.  But I compensated for it in Diet Pepsi and made it through the day.  I have my last physical therapy session this week.  The axillary web syndrome has cleared up.  Now when I stretch upward, I feel just a stretch instead of a pull.  It feels pretty amazing! 

Being back to work has forced me out of my sweat pants.  the transition out of comfy pants hasn't been that bad, however I've had some issues with my top half.  I'm very happy with my reconstruction and I am so thankful that I'm able to have reconstruction that turned out so much better than many women had to endure in the past.  But...it takes some getting used to.  I had to wear a dress and a swim suit for the first time in the past week.  They feel so different and big and awkward to me. I know that they aren't that big and many people have told me that I don't look different at all, but I am still so self conscious about them.  Here are some comics that strike a chord with me lately courtesy of bustygirlcomics.com. 

Renee's Medical Leave 7 Weeks in Review

As my medical leave is coming to a close, I thought I'd put together a year in review sort of a post.  You may have noticed my posts have tapered off as I have less news and I know that once I'm back to work I'll be posting even less.  So here's a recap of what my medical leave has been like.

Even though I spent a lot of time recovering--resting, napping, relaxing, I also tried to accomplish things as well.  I tried to give myself one project each day whether it was cleaning something, sewing, or sorting though things. 

I sewed a pillow case and crib rail teething guards (not that she's still chewing on them, more to cover up the former chewing damage) all using left over fabrics that I already had in the basement.

I organized my recipe collection.  All those great ideas I've cut out or collected over the years are finally categorized and ready to use.

I made a lot of trips to Menards.  I would drop the kids off in the mornings between 7:00-8:00ish and I'd be ready to start my day, but most stores don't open that early.  Thankfully, Menards was right on the route and already open.  I finally got around to buying just a bunch of little things that we've been meaning to pick up for awhile like a new night light, shower curtain rod, or spackle. 

I read and watched the Help.  I loved the book!  The movie was great, but the book was still better.

I read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I can't believe how long it took me to finish this one.  After finishing several books really quickly I figured I'd fly through this one, but the style that it's written in really was strange to me and I had to take it slow. I haven't gotten around to watching this movie yet, but we will soon. 

I read a couple other nonfiction books that were like the What to Expect When Expecting for mastectomy patients. 

I had a mediocre performance in this years NCAA pool.  I actually had the time to think about read up a little before my choices.  That's definitely not my usual style.  I'm pretty happy with my mediocre performance.  It's better than last place, which I've been in for several years in a row.

I lost a lot of Words with Friends games.  I'd like to think it was the pain meds taking my spelling ability down a notch, but I haven't been on those since like week 3. 

I sold a lot of items on our trading post, craigslist, and ebay.  I passed a lot of baby items onto new homes.  I had no idea there would be a market out there for my old bras, but people bid on them.  One of them went for $12. 

I became a regular at the library.  Unfortunately, my book to DVD check out ratio was way out of proportion.  It's kind of embarrassing.  I thought I'd do a lot more reading.  But movies were a mindless activity I could do every afternoon sometimes falling asleep during them.  You just can't do that while reading.  At least I don't like to...some students in my class do however. 

I watched all of the Twilight Saga movies.  I'm finally caught up with the rest of the world.  I held off as long as I could and didn't really understand the whole vampire phenomenon.  I considered reading them, but then I realized that I only had a few weeks left and the first movie was airing on FX one afternoon, so I figured perfect timing.  While I don't think that the plot was the most amazing thing ever (the scenes with werewolves talking made me think of Babe the pig or Air Bud), I was pleasantly surprised with it overall.  There were some nice romantic notions, like the way the vampire characters have this stance next to their loved ones, the valor of protecting Bella, and the idea of being able to fly off anywhere around the world at a moments notice without any concern for money.  To my surprise, watching Edward Cullen was an enjoyable way to spend four of my days off..   

I watched probably every romantic comedy that Ryan Reynolds has been in.  It seemed like every movie I watched had some sort of connecting or repeating actor from the previous one.  I started with Bridewars which had Kate Hudson, then she was also in Something Borrowed which had Ginnifer Goodwin who was also in Five, then Definitely Maybe with Ryan Reynolds and the Proposal which also had Sandra Bullock who was then in the Blindside.  Then there's Emma Stone, who seems to be like Elizabeth Banks quietly starring in every movie lately.  Of all these movies, my absolute favorite was Crazy, Stupid, Love.  It was hilarious and had shirtless Ryan Gosling.  Speaking of him, I watched every Nicolas Sparks novel that has been turned into a movie. 

I cleaned the house a lot.  I had to stay away from vacuuming for a good amount of time--you'd be surprised by how much chest muscle is used.  By five weeks I could vacuum again.  At seven weeks, I was shampooing the carpet.  I discovered some new products that made cleaning much easier.  I love my shark steamer.  It's small and met my weight restriction.  Steaming the dirt made me not have to put the muscle into scrubbing things away.  My sinks and shower have never been this clean.  I can't believe that I just now discovered Swiffer Dusters. I also discovered a new mop called the Rubbermaid Reveal Spray Mop that is similar to a Swiffer Wet Jet, but you can put your own cleaning formula and has a reusable mopping pad. I cleaned every closet, got rid of a ton of stuff, and reorganized the kids toys.  I cleaned our house well enough for it to be put on the market any day now.  If only Mitch would stop changing his mind daily on whether we should list it or not after we make our final few repairs. 

I scheduled a lot of appointments.  I had the ones that I already knew I'd need like breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, and physical therapist.  But I also thought I'd take advantage of the time and get other doctor and dentist appointments out of the way for the year for myself and the girls.  It's amazing the different vibe places have when you are there leisurely at 9:00 am rather than trying to cram an appointment in during the crazy time between 3:00 and 5:00. I convinced Mitch to get tested for allergies. He complains all the time about it and we clearly have our deductible met this year, so go get it done!  It turns out he's allergic to all grasses.  The doctor said it's amazing he hasn't had a reaction to beer over the years. 

This leaves me with one last day of time on my own tomorrow.  I made sure the house is completely clean and all the laundry and ironing is done so that I have no tasks to complete tomorrow.  I have a 10:30 doctor appointment and 2:30 PT.   Somewhere in between I'd like to get a pedicure and maybe meet Mitch out for lunch.  It's going to be a great day. 

Step 2

Even though I had my mastectomy and reconstruction done in a one step procedure, it still was really just the first step of a bigger process to reduce my cancer risks.  Unfortunately having a BRCA mutation increases your risk for not just breast cancer, but also ovarian, colo-rectal, melanoma, prostate, stomach, and uterine cancers.  Now that my breast cancer risks have been reduced/almost eliminated, my next biggest risk is ovarian cancer,  The general population has a lifetime risk of about 1 in 70 (1.5%) of developing ovarian cancers.  Those with BRCA1 mutations have about a 40% lifetime risk.

Honestly, I wasn't really concerned by this risk at first. We don't have the huge family history of ovarian cancer. But the more I learned and researched about reducing my breast cancer risk, the more I saw the connection between breast and ovarian cancers.  All of the recommendations that I've received from multiple doctors state not just a recommendation to remove my breast tissue, but also to remove my ovaries.

This is more than I'm willing to do right now.  I put all the fight that I have into this mastectomy and reconstruction and want some time to just be normal for awhile.  I understand why doctors recommend it.  If breast cancer is fueled by estrogen, removing the ovaries will almost completely eliminate the estrogen in you and further decrease breast cancer risk while eliminating ovarian cancer risks at the same time.  However this surgery has major  physical and psychological side effects.  This is not something I'm ready for yet.  Maybe down the road...but definitely not now.  I even said to Mitch the other day that I've worked so hard to not get breast cancer, I don't want to deal with ovarian cancer too.  If  I were to get it without any family history, then maybe that's just how things are supposed to be.  He quickly pointed out that this doesn't match with my opinions on breast cancer and challenge me on it.  I love him for this.  I can't stick my head in the stand and ignore my other risks.  I did this so that I can be here for my children and grandchildren; I cannot be done yet.

So Friday morning, I had my first consultation with a gynecological oncologist to find out what I can do in the mean time to monitor and reduces my risks for ovarian cancer.  I knew a little bit going into it, but it felt great to hear his recommendations.  He wanted to send me down for some tests right away that day.  All of the recommendations say to start these tests at 30.  I'm thrilled that he didn't say because I'm 29 right now, we can wait 6 months.  This showed me that's he about action, not sitting around waiting for cancer to grow.  He is going to order a blood test called CA125 every 3 months, rather than the 6 month recommendation.  He outlined exactly what we're looking for with the blood test, what would happen if there begins to be an unhealthy pattern (additional ultrasound of ovaries), and what our nonsurgical option are (OVA1 test if any mass were to be found).

The number 1 thing I can do to reduce my risks is surprisingly using oral contraceptives, something I had been avoiding for years because of the increase in breast cancer risk associated with hormonal birth control. It was interesting to find out that not all birth control options provide reduced risk for ovarian cancers.  Now that I do not have breast tissue, this sounds fine by me providing they don't make me crazy or have any additional strange side effects.

When we feel 100% sure that our family is complete, having a tubal ligation would provide additional benefits. He'd like to take it one step further and completely remove my fallopian tubes as new studies show that most ovarian cancers are originating in fallopian tubes, then spread to ovaries.  This is an exciting option to me.  It would allow me to retain my ovaries, so that I don't have to go through chemical menopause at a young age. Then when I get closer to natural menopause age, I can remove my ovaries to give me the extra protection from both breast and ovarian cancer as these risks increase with age.

I left that appointment feeling great.  I think I just found the Dr. Colette of Gynecology!        

5 weeks

Sorry for not posting lately.  I know that it's had several of you concerned.  :)  I've been making an attempt to not be online as much lately.  Someone important in my life complains that I'm constantly on my computer.  I've been making an attempt at improving this and now nightly while I used to be online and he'd be watching TV (usually some series that no one else would want to watch anyway) we've been watching movies together.  We've watched: The Blindside, Easy A, The Proposal, The Change-Up just in a one week span and that's not even considering my afternoon rest time romantic comedies that I watch by myself.  I recently discovered the DVD collection at our local library, and I've been flying through movies in addition to all the great ones friends have given to us or let us borrow. 

I am at 5 weeks post op now.  I'm doing very well!  I am doing physical therapy 2 times per week for an hour and then have a homework assignment that takes about 30 minutes twice a day on days when I don't have therapy.  My axillary web has really stretched out well and I don't anticipate problem with it for much longer.  At this point, I only feel a tugging when I lift my left arm out to the side and all the way up to the top (think like jumping jack or snow angel).  When I hit the point of about 120 degrees to 180 (which I can't quite reach yet anyway without my physical therapist pushing it there in a stretch), I feel a lot of pulling and tightness.  But it's getting better with each session.  I can now put my arms behind my head lying on the ground (think like start of a situp) and my elbows can touch the floor without a problem.  I can now cuddle close with the girls and do not feel any pain.  I even lifted Adrienne up a few time this week piggy back.  I am physically almost back to normal other than still getting tired really fast.  And when I do get tired, I am like completely wiped out tired (the kids noise won't even wake me up out of a nap). 

I am getting a little bored with being home.  This week I decided to start sewing again.  I made Adrienne a pillow case and fixed something that's needed repairs for over a year.  I organized a whole bunch of closets (don't worry, I was following my restrictions and just left boxes or piles for Mitch to move later). I'm crazy for saying this, but I'm almost ready to go back.  I really do miss my students and the friends at school.  I go back to work in two weeks.  I planned on taking 1/2 days for the first week back, but this week I'm going to see if I can stay a bit more active.  If I'm ok, then I'll go back full time right away.  So...you may not see another post from me for awhile because I'm going to try to relax on my last week off (this week is technically my last, then next week happens to be our spring break.)