Birds and Sunrise

Whenever I get super nervous, my way of calming myself down is to read some poetry or music lyrics.  I have this pink piece of paper that I typed up a bunch of favorites on.  It's folder, torn, and tatered from being stuffed in a pocket of my purse for so long. I'd like to thank Mrs. Krcmar for introducing me to some of the classics back in highschool English, though I'd never thought I'd be using it like this.  I like classics by Emily Dickinson or lines from TS Elliot.  Then I'll go to lyrics from favorite songs.  My favorites seem to all center around birds or sunrises.  I chose this background in particular because of the beautiful hummingbird image.  Here are some of my favorites:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
By Emily Dickinson

"I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.” by TS Elliot

I’ll tell you how the Sun rose; A ribbon at a time... by Emily Dickinson

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” by TS Elliot

"One, two, three like a bird I sing 'cause you've give me the most beautiful set of wings." from Last Dollar by Tim McGraw

Now I'm here, blinking in the sunlight,
Now I'm here, suddenly I see.
Standing here, It's all so clear,
I'm where I'm meant to be.

And at last I've seen the light,
And it's like the fog has lifted.
And at last I see the light,
And it's like the sky is new.

And it's warm and real and bright,
And the world has somehow shifted.
All at once, everything looks different,
Now that I see you.

from Tangled Soundtrack

I can see the wait there in your eyes
I can feel the thought in your sigh
Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight
One way down a dead end street
Broken glass underneath your feet
You think the day won't break the sunless night

The sun will rise

The sun will rise

When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise

It'll be alright

I've been in stuck in a storm before
Felt the wind raging at my door
Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, Couldn't find a way out
Somehow my clouds disappeared, Somehow I made it here
Maybe just so you could hear me say

The sun will rise

The sun will rise

When you've lost your lights
The sun will rise

It'll be alright

Although you can't see it
So hard to believe it

Sometimes you just need a little faith

There's an answer to your prayer

And I swear that there'll come a day

When the sun will rise

The sun will rise

When you've lost your lights

The sun will rise

It'll be alright
from "The Sun Will Rise" by Kelly Clarkson

Bubbling Up

My emotions are starting to bubble up.  You never know when they are going to explode.  The majority of the time I am perfectly fine and normal.  But then something sparks a thought and I'm on the verge of tears. I've been trying to keep myself very busy so that I just don't have to think about it.  That's just leading to me feeling exhausted, missing my husband and kids, and letting my fears get the best of me.  

I have a lot of fears still.  I love and trust my doctors.  I feel like I have made the best choices available to me right now.  I am afraid though of the unknown.  What if they find something in there?  What if things don't go as planned?  What will not having feeling for the rest of my life be like?  Will the reconstruction feel natural like a part of my body or will it feel like a foreign object I want out of me?  Will it feel like a heavy bra that just want to take off but it's stuck in me?  What will recovery really be like?  Will the girls be alright without me?  Is all of my prep going to be worth it?  Is there something I'm forgetting? 

What a night!

Last night was great! Thank you to everyone for making my Boob Voyage Party and Fundraiser a fun successful night! 

We raised $485. That far exceed my expectations--I was hoping for just $250 total.  Instead, I'll be able to send almost $250 checks to both organizations, Bright Pink and FORCE.  These organizations provided me with so much information to help understand my options and make decision.  I am so excited that I can now give back to them. 

I must say a HUGE thank you to Sarah Schaller owner of Energy Fitness and to all of the instructors Rachel, Dawn, Lou, Jessica, and Chrystal.  You put together a fantastic work out with so many high energy fun songs.  It was a blast!

Another big thanks to Molly who put together the fliers and all my friends who helped but together the bra decorations.  I won't give names, so that no one tries figuring out which ones belong to who (or is it whom?), just THANKS!

It was amazing to see that many people all there dancing in support.  Without the support of my amazing family and friends, I wouldn't be able to do this upcoming surgery.  THANK YOU!!

I'll post pictures soon :)

Getting excited for this weekend!

This good bye party and fundraiser is really coming together.  Every day more people tell me that they're coming.  We've put together some interesting decorations.  I hope we have enough cupcakes! 

Energy Fitness has been so great to work with!  Sarah is graciously giving us the use of the dance studio and is putting together an awesome group of instructors.  It's going to be a great day; join us if you can!

How can I help?

A lot of people have asked lately if there is anything they can do to help out during my recovery.  This is a really hard question for me.  I like to be the one helping.  I rarely like to admit that I need help, something that I'm working on.  One of my favorite blogs to read, marathonb4mastectomy, posted some advice about how to help. I am going to use some of her ideas and modify them for our needs. 

In the weeks before surgery (3 now!), I've been planning everything I can possibly plan. I already have a check list, a time line/itinerary to pass out to anyone involved in the care of our children. I've stocked the freezer, bought pull-ups/wipes/laundry soap, cleaned (pregnant nesting has nothing on pre-surgery nesting!), taken care of all of my responsibilities at work.  I feel like I've got this.  And what I don't have, Mitch will.

There, of course, are things I will not be able to do. I'm completely confident in Mitch to handle it all, but I know how I feel when he's traveling and I've only been on my own for five days at most.  So, I have to say this again — this is super weird for me to write all this. But, at the request of so many people who are all trying to be that helpful person that I try to be, I've put together this list of things that might help us out.

If you’re local, if you have 10-15 minutes, you're visiting and you notice something, or you’re already out… these following tasks would help my awesome Mitch, who can handle everything, but this would just help to ease the work!

• I’m obsessed with vacuuming my home. With a dog and kids, I vacuum all the time, especially under our kitchen table. If you are visiting, and have 10 minutes, and if you don’t think it’s weird, I would not say no to you vacuuming. 
• Same goes for any dishes that make their way to my sink. Mitch will likely be running around taking care of the kids, so this would be a big help for him (and me).  Our dishwasher is really loud so even if we finally get to loading it after the kids go to sleep, we can't run it until the morning.
• I usually handle the hairstyles in our house.  If you notice the girls with crazy bed head hair, feel free to give it a little comb or tie it back for them so it stays out of their food.
• If you're here visiting and ask, I might have laundry down stairs that I cannot carry upstairs.  I'll be totally able to handle putting it in the machines and folding it.  I just won't be able to carry the basket full for awhile. 
• If you are at the grocery store, we tend to run out of milk and bread quickly (when a little girls favorite food is peanut butter and jelly it happens). If you're going there anyway and will be in the neighborhood, maybe grab a gallon while you’re out for our house?
• Is it Tuesday night? Are our garbage cans out yet? If you drive by and notice that we forgot, feel free to roll them down to the end of the driveway or send one of us a text to remind us.  On Wednesday afternoons, feel free to roll them back up, too.
• I’m hoping it doesn’t snow...at all. Although if we get a snow day, I get one more day of paid leave. :) If it does, Mitch is obsessed with shoveling.  He really takes pride in having a clear clean driveway.  But with pickup/drop off of the kids and all the other things he's going to be handling, I'm not sure if he'll get to it.  We'd love any help with shoveling. 
• Do you have10 minutes and want to take a walk? Our dog is likely going to be seriously neglected during those weeks. This would be a huge treat for everyone!
• Speaking of our dog, if you come to visit, be warned that our dog goes kind of crazy for the first few minutes of a new guest.  Please follow Cesar Milan's advice for entering a house with a dog.  Enter calmly and ignore.  Do not talk to her, pet her, give her any attention until she calms down (which won't be long, she'll calmly curl up at your feet before you know it).  This helps show Stella that you are the leader, not her.   
• Cards, emails, and notes are welcome!! The girls love holding and looking at cards.  They treat them like special treasures. This is going to be a tough time for them, and everyone loves mail.
• Any meals would be very appreciated, but I know that it's hard enough to just get supper on the table after work for your own families. We already have a ton in the freezer, so we don't feel like we need an organized meal delivery plan. If you really want to do something, just keep it simple--anything easy. 
• Entertainment would be great for me or for my kids.  My doctor said that she recommends everyone get a subscription to netflix during recovery.  I'm not going that route, but if you have any movies or tv series you'd like to share, pass them my way.  I haven't watched movies in forever, (I think the last movie I saw in the theater was Charlie Wilson's War to give you a little perspective) so you are pretty much guaranteed I haven't seen whatever you are offering.  I am especially partial to romantic comedies.  The girls like anything Disney.  We'll be sure to get them back to you afterward.

Please, please, please don’t feel you need to do any of this!
Seriously, a prayer a day will do the most work for us!
I hope this lists helps with some ideas, friends!

A 3 year old's perspective

I sat down to tell my daughters yesterday about my upcoming surgery.  I wasn't expecting much--at 3 and 2 years old I know they don't have the attention span or understanding to truly get it.  I said all those things I had planned out using the calendar (she pointed out that Valentine's Day is coming first) and referring to Grover in the hospital to get his tonsils out.  I was fully prepared to get the endless "why" questions that she's been into lately.  But her only question was:
 "Are you going to have a cast?"
"No, it'll be a big bandage." 
"Ok, can I go play the bubble game now?"

Lesson learned.  A 3 year old's perspective of this makes it all seem so simple.

Update:  This morning when our babysitter came in, Aila announced to her that Mom would be in the hospital and have owies.  While I don't want her announcing that to everyone she sees now as her opening line, it does make me a little happy because she actually listened to what I was telling her.

One month away!

According to the ticker over there, surgery is now less than one month away.  I'm slowly checking things off my to-do list--freezer stocked, attened FORCE meeting, told students/parents, and report cards are done.  All of the things left on my list are either things that I am avoiding or things that cannot be done until the last minute. 

I'm going to start talking about it with the girls soon.  Because of a very cute project at school, Aila now has a calendar in her room.  She loves looking at it daily to find out what day and number it is.  We have school days, dance class days, and other special occasions marked on it. Once we flip the calendar to February, I will mark the date of my surgery on her calendar and we'll talk about what's going to happen.

The only previous experience they have with hospitals revolves entirely around babies.  I was very worried that they will be disappointed when come home from the hospital and don't bring home a baby brother.  We've been reading numerous hospital themed books with many of their favorite characters (Grover, Clifford, and Maisy) for the last few weeks to ease us into the discussion. 

My plan is to equate it to getting shots.  We've always explained shots as something that keeps you healthy; something you do before you get sick so that you don't get sick.  I'll probably tell her that I'm going have something like this done, but it's going to hurt a lot more than a shot does.  I'm going to have to stay at the hospital for a few days.  I'll have some owies for a while that might look yucky.  I plan on warning in advance about this because unfortunately there is no such thing as privacy in our house with these two right now and I don't want them to be scared of my scars or drains.  I'll explain that I'll need to rest a lot just like they do when they are sick, and they need them to be very gentle around my owies.

We've been practicing climbing up places by themselves (not bad things just car seats, high chair, toilet, bed, etc.)  We've also been practicing piggy back rides just in case I have to carry someone and I'm not ready yet for a kid cuddling right up next to them.  We'll probably also practice gently hugs and asking before climbing up on me.

I'm probably making this a much bigger deal than it has to be.  The girls will probably listen just fine and then say something like "Ok, can we have a snack now?"  I'll be sure to post aoout their reaction.  I'm sure it will be classic. 

Boob Voyage Fundraiser!

Please join us for a pre-surgery soiree to say "Boob Voyage!"

A special 1 hour Zumba class will offered to shake it one last time together Saturday, February 11th at 4:30 pm.

$5 donation is requested to join in the fun.

Donations will be given to FORCE: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered and Bright Pink. Both are organizations that helped me in making the life-changing decision to having risk reducing surgery.

Send me a message if you'd like more details!

FORCE (http://facingourrisk.org/), a national non-profit organization whose mission includes "support, education, advocacy, awareness, and research specific to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer."

Bright Pink (http://bebrightpink.org/), a national non-profit organization that provides education and support to young women who are at high risk for breast and ovarian cancer.

What will surgery actually be like?

What will surgery actually be like?  What exactly do they do? 

For me the morning of surgery is going to start in the Nuclear Medicine department.  I am going to have a radioactive tracer injected near the suspicious areas found during my last MRI.  It will take 2 hours for this injection to go through my body and be ready to do its job. 

During this 2 hour wait I will get all prepped and ready for surgery including IV antibiotics, getting drawn on by both doctors, and consult with the anesthesiologist.  I'm fully prepared for this to be the longest 2 hours of my life.  I'm going to be hungry, nervous, super-emotional, and just an all round basket case.  I will take any suggestion you have on how to spend this time and get out all of my nervous energy.

When they tell me it's time, I will walk into the operating room.  I find that quite empowering.  No one is pushing me to do this, I'm walking there on my own two feet.  The anesthesiologist will work their magic and I will be out.  A breathing tube and catheter will be inserted because of the length of the surgery.

Dr. Colette will handle the first part of the operation.  She will make a 6-8 inch incision on my infra-mammary fold, meaning right under the breast where it will be conveniently hidden later.  She will scrape out all of the breast tissue and pass this tissue onto pathologists.  They will slice the tissue like a loaf of bread into manageable sections and further exam each section.  Dr. Colette will also perform a sentinel node biopsy on both sides at this time.  Using the nuclear injection that I had earlier in the day, she will find and remove the first one to three lymph nodes that my breast cells drain into. This part of the surgery will take about 4 hours.

Once all of the tissue is removed, Dr. J will begin his part of the surgery.  He will make an incision low on my pectoral muscle.  He will insert an implant behind the muscle.  He will use alloderm tissue matrix to create a pocket large enough of the implant to sit in because there really is not a lot of space behind the muscle as is. Alloderm is cadaver tissue that has had all of the cells removed out of it basically leaving behind just collagen framework that will be a patch of sorts for me.  My body will work over the following months to weave it self into the alloderm.  At 6 months post-op if you were to exam in original alloderm tissue,  it would be completely made up of my own cells and would be unrecognizable.

Dr. J's portion of the surgery will take about 3 hours as he works to perfect the position, size, and shape of the implant with my remaining skin.  Dr. J might be able to start his portion of the surgery early working on the side Dr. Colette has already finished while she continues working on the opposite side.  The total length of time is expected to be 5-7 hours.  He will insert 2 surgical drains and close up the original incisions Dr. Colette made.

At this point, my breathing tube will be removed and I will be moved to the recovery room.  The amount of time I have to spend here will be dependent upon how long it takes me to wake up probably between 1-2 hours.  The catheter will remain in place until I am able to walk on my own.

When I am somewhat coherent I will be moved into a general hospital room where I will stay for 1-2 days.  While in the hospital, I will learn how to handle my surgical drains and sleep a lot.  The drains will need to stay in until they are draining less than 30cc in 24 hour time period, probably 1-2 weeks.  Mitch and my mom plan on rotating staying with me at the hospital.  I will probably not be up for any guests.  I've read about women saying or doing things in the hospital that they have no recollection of later.  It could be something like insisting a guest brings me a Dairy Queen blizzard and then falling asleep mid-spoonful or major over-sharing of the new goods.  I think I'll be safe just assuming I won't invite any guests, including my kids. I know that I'll miss them, but it's probably for the best that they don't see me like this.

After 1-2 days, when I show that I have pain management under control, reasonable movement back, and all bodily functions back to normal, I will be discharged from the hospital.  I'll be home to sleep in my own bed (or recliner) and shuffle to my own bathroom.  I'll be able to see my kids and give them gentle hugs.  I'll be on the other side at this point.

Calm

Nothing much to post lately--bring on some more questions for me!  I'm just trying to get prepared as much as I can. I've crossed out a number of things on my to-do list.  We figured out a pretty solid plan for the girls during my recovery.  I finally received the pre-authorization info from insurance.  Thanks for the pillows, Matt and Lisa.  Thanks for pointing out that I need a back scratcher not stretcher, Kayla.  We've been doing fun things every weekend with the girls.  Last weekend was family zumba with Molly and a Cinderella movie night.  This week it's been all about Stranger in the Woods books and movie.  We even went on a little hike in Sherwood Park to leave some carrots for the deer.  We spotted a cardinal just like in the book.  They loved it!  Next movie night will be Pocahontas so that Aila can see the song she's doing ballet to in the movie.  Right now, while the girls are napping I'm blaring Kelly Clarkson on my ipod ("What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...stand a little taller...makes a fighter...footsteps even lighter...) and working on 2nd quarter report cards (most of the time).  I reward myself with little facebook or blog breaks every so often. :)

I feel remarkably calm lately.  After the intensity I was feeling around Christmas, I must say it feels good.  It's almost as though I kind of forget that this is about to happen sometimes.  I was talking to someone at a meeting this week and right before we left she said something heartwarming about how she'll be thinking about me.  I left feeling great because of a few reasons.  First, it kind of caught me off guard because I hadn't thought about surgery at all that day. It made me feel good that it was not taking over my life anymore!  Second because of the way she put it.  She was sincere, heartfelt, and positive.  It didn't come across as "Oh poor Renee" in any sort of a way which I was really worried about before sharing with everyone.  I was afraid people would think poor pathetic mutant with a mutilated body because that's not how I look at myself at all.  By sharing on this blog, I never really wanted people's sympathy.  I don't have cancer; my journey is nothing in comparison to what someone fighting cancer has to go through.  So hearing the pure support in her voice was great!  Thanks!!